i hate that i love you

Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) took hold of my shoulder and said, “Be in this world as if you were a stranger or a traveler.”*

— Abdullah bin Umar (رضي الله عنه)

TO The Love of My Life,

I don’t know how to say this, but I hate that I love you.

I hate that I get so focused on you, so “tunnel-visioned”, that even though I see important things passing by in my peripheral, I can’t get myself to look up.

I hate how you use things to get my attention, things that are really out of my reach, and all I ever get is this insatiable longing for more.

I hate how you make me forget my real purpose in life.

I hate how my mind is always spinning with thoughts of you, even when I pray.

I hate how I want everything to work out so well between us, that I would do almost anything.

And I don’t like how my mood is based on our relationship:   If we’re good, I’m happy, but if you’re not giving me your all, I’m depressed.

I hate how when all else fails, I turn to you for comfort, instead of Allah.

And when things are going great, I credit you, instead of Allah.

I hate that I trust you to raise my kids for me.

And I hate that I’m afraid to leave you.

I hate how I look to you for guidance on what’s right and wrong, instead of the Quran and Sunnah.

I hate how I get my standards from you…I allow you to tell me what to think, what to wear, and what to say. And I even let you dictate how much I can accomplish before I pray.

And I look to you for advice on what’s beautiful, what’s pious, and what’s worthy.

But I’m tired now.

I’m tired of crying over your unrealistic love scenes, meaningless goals I’ll never achieve, and unfulfilled promises.

My tears will only serve me if they are wept over my sins…oversleeping for Fajr and memorizing songs instead of Quran.

But I don’t blame you. You’re good at what you do. After all, this is what you were created for.

I just wanted to tell you that you can’t trick me anymore.

Allah has warned me about you.

He told me that you, O Dunya, are nothing but an amusement and diversion.  He told me that He has filled you with beautiful things.  And He told me that nothing ever lasts with you.

Too often I find myself rushing so I won’t be late—for an appointment with you.

But I’m telling you that from now on, bi’idhnillaah, I’m rushing to get ready for my appointment with Allah.

I love the opportunities to do good things while I’m with you, but I have to move on. I have to be done with you.  I have to keep you in my hands while keeping the Hereafter in my heart. I can’t let you make me miss any more chances…chances to pray an extra prayer, to read more Quran, to give to someone in need…to take advantage of any good deed.

I’ve missed too many chances already by being attached to you.

I’ve realized we weren’t meant to be together for long so I’ll deal with you while we’re still together.  But Allah has something bigger and better in store for me.

Every day I’m getting closer, and I can’t take you with me.  So I’m packing, O Dunya!

I’m just taking what I need from you and leaving the rest.

No hard feelings.

But it’s time to move on to a love more lasting than yours.

Signed,

The Traveling Stranger

“Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children - like the example of a rain whose [resulting] plant growth pleases the tillers; then it dries and you see it turned yellow; then it becomes [scattered] debris. And in the Hereafter is severe punishment and forgiveness from Allah and approval. And what is the worldly life except the enjoyment of delusion.” Quran 57:20

“If you survive till the evening, do not expect to be alive in the morning, and if you survive till the morning, do not expect to be alive in the evening, and take from your health for your sickness, and (take) from your life for your death.”*

—Ibn Umar

by Andrea Umm Abdullah